This is a humorous guest post from Heather, Heather is an ex-programming turned 3D student who writes posts over at ‘The 3D Student‘ 3-4 times a week. Starting in January, she’s been providing tutorials, reviews, and advice for 3D students’ pre-degree level. She loves vfx, playing with light, and texturing the models (i.e., making things look pretty). She likes cooking and cleaning for her two evil sis- I, mean…writing, drawing, film-watching and video games. Always up for a bit of humour in her posts, especially when concerning ninjas and cute pets with strange captions. If you like what you see here go visit her own site and say hi!
Research
Never believe anyone that tells you Research is the most important part of writing a post. If I had it my way, we wouldn’t be doing it at all! Posts are for opinions and personal stories, didn’t you know? Just write what you think will work, or if you’re really keen follow these steps:
1.Go to Google and type in ‘Blogging’
2.Click on the first result
3.Use that as the basis for your post. Do not read any further than the header.
Opening
All openings should start out long and fluffy; don’t even think about trying to grab your readers’ attention here. They’ll read to the very end anyway so why go to the effort? Make sure to include at least one personal story here, your audience loves that, and the more warts and icky bits the better. Mention nothing about your topic.
Middle Part
Here is where you take your personal stories from the opening and pretend they’re relevant to the topic of your post. If your post is meant to be about the top five plugins and you’ve been talking about your dog Mary – start talking about how you were watching her when the idea came to you. Bolt of lightning style. They’ll lap it up.
This part doesn’t really matter anyway; it’s only an introduction for your bulletpoints.
Generic Bulletpoints
Bulletpoints should:
- Be totally Irrelevant
- Numbered where necessary
- Full of the least useful information you can get your hands on
- Dressed up as the gospel truth
- Treat your audience like lemmings
Fluff
This is the section where you explain the reason behind your bullet points; any old garbage will do here. Say that your horoscope told you that those five plugins were the best and your dog Bessie was yapping at you in agreement. Whatever. Bring it home lads!
Conclusion
Add in how you hope the post was useful, if anyone needs help they should email you or comment, and they should, like, totally share your post everywhere.
Write Your Header
Fill your header with as many buzzwords, keywords, and flashing as you can. Add emoticons! Use Caps lock! Exclamation Marks! I’ll be disappointed if you don’t.
SEO
SEO is a joke. Never pay attention to it, it’s not worth your time. Google is run by robots that latch onto the articles with the most exclamation marks and keywords. True story.
Post
Don’t bother to spellcheck your article; that’s for wimps. If its not half covered in squiggly red lines then you’re not doing it right! Just hit post, and don’t bother promoting it either. The readers will beat a path to your door. Go retire to the beach or something.
photo credit: kennymatic
Haha this is a great post. It is actually really great advice, if you do the opposite of all of it. My favorite part is “Treat your audience like lemmings.” That’s classic!
.-= Patrick Toerner´s last blog ..10 More WordPress Plugins I Can’t Live Without =-.
Thanks Patrick! I had a lot of fun writing it actually, glad you got a giggle or two.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
Heather,
You are pure genius! I laughed so much reading this I literally have tears running down my face! No offence to any other guest writers but this is the best post I’ve read here for a long time. And your timing is perfect. April 1st? Legend
You rock! If this is what April 1st brings out in your guest posts, can’t wait to check out what you post today
.-= Eleanor Edwards´s last blog ..1 Minute Motivator: How to avoid an argument =-.
High praise El ^_^ As I said, I loved every second writing it. It being April Fools is almost coincedence *complete and utter innocence*
My post will probably be out this evening though.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
I never research nothing and spell checking IS for sissies. OH and you’ve seen my Headers! As for our horoscope I never read that my dog reads it for us and his name is not mary it’s Cadilacjax.
Like I always say…your a hoot!
.-= Lees Shizzle´s last blog ..Thanks Bamboo Forest of Pun Intended for not letting my tea burn =-.
Hehe, thing is that works for you Lee
One of the most fun posts I’ve written in a while, glad you got a giggle!
This is a funny post, made me laugh a little! Good advice though, I will for sure try it out.
.-= Jay@DishTVBlog´s last blog ..DISH Network’s $19.99/Month Special-Add Local Channels It’s Still Only $24.99/Month =-.
So long as you do the complete opposite you’ll be fine
Glad you liked it Jay.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
I get ya Heather.
Thank you!
No probs – good luck!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
Then as all the spam comments roll in, just select and hit “approve all” – nude pics, lexapro links and all!
This is a great April Fools post, by the way – let’s just hope the fool’s don’t mistake this for real advice.
Thanks for the laugh, Heather!
.-= Kiesha @ We Blog Better´s last blog ..The Julia/Julie Blog Project – An example of what better blogging can do for you =-.
If they start taking this as real advice I may have to line them up and shoot them. Lol.
Nice addition though; hadn’t even thought of spam comments! Should see if we can get James to edit it in.
Glad you enjoyed it either way
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
I’m hanging out at your blog!
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Are Your Rituals Serving You? (Manage your context for productivity) =-.
I’m confused. Nothing funny here. Heather just documented the James method of successful blogging. I’ve been following him faithfully.
.-= Ralph´s last blog ..About Asking and Howard Roark =-.
And this is why you’re awesome Ralph.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
ermmmmm was that me taking a hit then?
Playful one James.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Site Changes =-.
I laughed so hard reading your comment Ralph.
And the real funny thing here – it’s all true !
.-= Mars Dorian´s last blog ..Answer This Question And Find Out IF Your Brand has Star Potential ! =-.
Ouch
You’re forgetting one other. Never ever read your post after writing it. That would be silly.
.-= Matthew Needham´s last blog ..Wednesday Wisdom =-.
Of course! I forgot there’d be some people that still did that, will have to remember for the revised edition. Thanks Matt
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
Awesome post,
If following THESE tips won’t skyrocket my traffic, I don’t know what will
.-= Mars Dorian´s last blog ..Answer This Question And Find Out IF Your Brand has Star Potential ! =-.
Yep, guaranteed to make your traffic do, er, something.
Glad you enjoyed Mars.
Heather Heather Heather… you’ve been staying up too late again… or maybe it’s the paint fumes…
Since you’ve spilled all the goods, I’m going to have to cut you off from all my Top Secret Spiffy Blog Post Secrets ™.
.-= Dave Doolin´s last blog ..Are Your Rituals Serving You? (Manage your context for productivity) =-.
Noooo…. my membership….
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
Great post Heather!!!
I must say I actually forgot today was April Fools day to be quite honest lol. I love the whole thing you wrote here and I agree with the first comment, if you do the exact opposite you’ll go far.
I’m actually quite impressed typing out this message because I’m typing it from my keyboard on the PS3 I have. That’s not exactly relevant to the message here but I just had to add it anyway.
Great post and I look forward to seeing more of you on here!
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Have You Done It Yet And If So, Have You Learned? =-.
PS3 keyboard? You officially gain awesome points.
Glad you enjoyed the post lol, managed to forget it was April Fools until after I’d written it actually; pretty apt though.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
Damnit now I have to change my blogging style. Thanks a lot Heather. Very funny post though. I love the picture.
.-= Justin Matthews´s last blog ..On Guest Posts and the Community of Blogistan. =-.
You don’t Have to Justin
Glad you enjoyed though!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
Hi Heather,
First let me thank you and James for the refreshing picture of Lego characters. I have missed them a lot.
Research really as been overhyped though you need to know something about what you want to write about or else you will be writing trash.
After you know this, express yourself. Your tips, i can identify with. Thanks.
.-= Olusegun´s last blog ..20 lessons I have learnt about blog commenting =-.
James gets credit for the picture lol; entirely his doing (though it is a good one).
Most of them were meant in jest, though I suppose you could take advice from parts of it.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
comedy makes a great tool if you know how to use…and you do.. a funny way to look at it.
.-= Mick Morris´s last blog ..How to choose your parachute! =-.
Thanks Mick; hope it brought a smile to your face
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.
Bwahahaha! Thanks Heather & Ralph. My day is starting off awesome today.
.-= Carlos Velez´s last blog ..How I Got Darren Rowse, ProBlogger, To Record A Video Message For The Pre-Writing Challenge =-.
Glad you approve Carlos
Enjoy the rest of your day!
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Bump Maps: Here’s what to do =-.